FROM THE SHOW

Your next transmission.
Episode 2 arrives tomorrow.

Happy Monday, Scanners!

What a first week. The response to our inaugural episode, Erection Day, has been fantastic. Thank you to everyone who listened, shared the show, and helped make it possible. Rob and Dana will be back tomorrow, Tuesday, November 10, for Episode 2, and there’s plenty to get into.

We’re also now in all the major podcast apps. Find Scanning Podcast in your favorite app, hit follow, and send the first episode to someone who could use a little media deconstruction.

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First, a few words from Sir Dewcifer…

’Tis the season.

’Tis the season for post-election analysis. What went wrong for Trump and the GOP? How did the blue wave turn into a blue tsunami?

Well, have no fear: Q-tard season is here.

I’m using “Q-tards” as a catch-all for people putting out “exclusive intel” about all the different ways our elections are supposedly manipulated on both wings of the political uniparty.

You’ve heard the stories, allegations, and controversies—in no particular order and off the top of my head: Russian interference, quantum-dot-marked ballots, Elon Musk’s satellites, mail-in ballots, incorrectly sized paper ballots, names switching on voting screens, pizza boxes over the windows, Fraction Magic, Ukrainian hackers, fake voter registrations using fake Chinese IDs, and stolen tractor-trailers full of ballots marked only for Joe Biden.

Then there are Georgia water-main breaks, mystery suitcases pulled out from under tables, candidate vote totals decreasing on live TV, fraud line graphs, electronic voting machines connected to the internet, signature verification at quarter resolution, proprietary software, ballot harvesting, swing-state targeting, claims of noncitizens voting, dogs being issued ballots, and ballots found in dumpsters, ditches, and along roadsides.

And my favorite: the hanging chad. The OG of televised election chicanery.

I’m sure there are more election head-scratchers. New ones surface every year. After all, we need to keep the CIA screenwriters employed.

You have to wonder: Why do these situations keep coming up, and why don’t they lead to a public demand for major election reforms? Some would say boring elections don’t make waves in the American news cycle. Others would say fixing the systems would make it harder to control the outcomes.

But one thing is certain: If you want views and clicks, post charts, graphs, whiteboards, and AI-generated infographics showing alleged anomalies and percentages on social media.

It starts with obscure outlets and accounts. Like a slow-moving lava flow, the heat map expands to larger shows and accounts until the theme crescendos just about the time the elections are certified. We see plenty of videos of people asking questions. Clear answers are harder to come by.

Which circles us back to the Q-tards. They know something is up. Manipulated algorithms! Impossible vote totals! Another secret plan!

The basic theory goes something like this: Trump let them win so big that they overplayed their hand, and you don’t stop a criminal until they leave the store.

LOOK! He’s posting graphs and cartoons on Truth Social!

It’s like the Cleveland Indians fan in Major League insisting the home-run ball was “too high” while his friends ridicule him.

But don’t worry. The latest theory has a foreign-election-interference report coming any day now. And this, we’re told, will be the report that changes everything, nullifies the midterms, and throws the country into chaos.

Trump’s 5D, intergalactic, 12-level chess game will finally checkmate the dirty Democrats.

Right?

If you remember, Peter Navarro and others released reports after the 2020 election. For a trip down memory lane, here’s a thread from @KanekoaTheGreat about alleged anomalies in the swing states.

Read it and ask yourself: What was investigated? What was substantiated? What ever happened to the promised reckoning?

Did the results get overturned? Did the promised wave of arrests materialize? No. We got lawsuits, years of arguments, and another round of assurances that our elections were safe and secure.

So don’t hold your breath for mass arrests or overturned results this time, either.

Of course, we’ll be playing some of these clips on Scanning. Gallows humor is best served one week after an election.

Thank you for supporting our first episode, Erection Day. Please spread the word and hit others in the mouth. Your support helps us grow and continue our mission of deconstructing news, culture, and politics through a comedic lens.

In the Evening,
Sir Dewcifer

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See you tomorrow for Episode 2.

The Scanning Team